Sunday, May 01, 2005
Guards Up
When we get hurt, we often resort to things that we don't really want to do, but we end up doing just to protect ourselves.

A while ago, I was chatting with one of my close friends when she told me that she thinks she's being really stupid with the relationship she has right now. When I asked her why, she said it's because she's thinking of too much stuff and now, her boyfriend is actually starting to get irritated with her "What if" questions. I can't tell her to back off, 'cause I know what she's going through. The both of us had been through the same experiences before college. I told her I know what she's feeling and she should not consider herself stupid.

I was hurt once. Being with someone else is really rewarding, but the thing with me is that I really get bored easily. I tend to look for something or someone new whenever I feel that I've spent much time on this person or thing already. And believe it or not, I actually hate this trait that I have. But still, I'm living with it. Though now I think this trait is starting to be inactive.

The first time I really cried and wept for somebody, one thing is evident. I didn't get tired of that person no matter how long we had been together. I now consider that as the perfect example of me, in love. I don't get bored with the person and I usually long to be with her.

After breaking up (and crying for how many weeks), I decided to raise my guards up and try to avoid any emotional contact or whatsoever with anyone except for family. I've done it for 2 years, and these two years I had been a bully, a mean guy plus narcissistc, heartless and ego-centric. There's even a point in time when I didn't trust anyone except for myself. It was all me. And I did manipulate some of the past lovers that I had. I make them think that I actually feel something for them when in reality, I was just messing up. I'm not blaming what happened to me on love. I actually like the changes that I've gone through. I think that somehow, it made me independent and cunning.

Since my friend and I had gone through the same situations, I told her what she's feeling is just normal. I told her to give it some time before she starts talking about this to her boyfriend. She told me she'd take my advice. I just hope they don't break up.

As for me, I decided to still have my guards up. You'll never know what will happen to you when you give something everything that you have.

I just hope things will be like this...

Friday, April 22, 2005
For the past two years, I've been doing something that I can now consider as a crime. I only do it when I'm at America and I tend to overspend whenever I do it. What is it?

I buy lots of books.

Just like last year, I came to the U.S. with only a book in hand. I think it's Anne Rice's novel called "The Blackwood Farm". When it was time for me to go home, my baggage gained 5 more pounds compared to its weight before going to the U.S. - and I owe it all to the 11 books I bought during my vacation.

Yes. 11 more books.

And right now, while i'm experiencing once again a vacation here in the Land of the free, I already bought 4 books, one of them being hardbound (and I don't usually buy hardbound books 'cause I find them hard and irritating to use) while the rest are paperbacks. But of course, they're not the paperback kinds that you often see in drugstores or at the cheap section in a bookstore. When converted to Philippine Peso, the books I usually buy here range from 600-900 bucks a piece. I can't even imagine how much I'm willing to spend for these books. But I do love spending money for them and I do love buying them. There's something with the way they smell and the way they feel like whenever I touch them that makes me love it whenever I read them. God. I sound so pathetic.

And psychologically disturbed.

Nonetheless, I love the fact that I am a bookworm. I think that this trait distinguishes me from my siblings and my cousins and even my aunts and uncles. The last person who loved reading books in our family was my grandmother (who is now with God). Sad enough, my passion for books weren't that visible yet when she was still alive. Maybe we could've shared books and opinions if I loved books then or if she's still alive now.


I should really go out a lot, don't you think?

Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Now the toxicity's gone.
Finally, after weeks and months of suffering and endless papers, I've managed to finish my first year in college with flying colors (well, i think the only colors i got were gray and balck). Now, as I type this entry, I'm still not sure if I have the college idealism out of my system.

So what exactly is this college idealism??

For months, I've been continuously exposed to different quizes, exams and post lab tests that made sure that I would finish my first year either: A.) Really Wasted or B.) Insane. But thanks to my friends and to my family, I managed to keep my sanity with me. College idealism taught me that I should always study, because even if I don't study, my classmates and friends will be there to push me. I really hate the days when I want to take a break from it all, and all of my friends, regardless of where we are, would bring out their books and read or talk about the quizes or exams. How I hate those days.

But of course, I am still thankful for their constant pushing and motivation (if you can call it motivation). Without them, I couldn't have survived ten whole months of masochism.

But after these ten months, I'm now facing something more difficult to deal with. It's about letting a feeling go. A feeling that I've kept inside for months, and a feeling that only I know. I decided that it's for the best, but when something has a power over you, like this feeling, it's not that easy to do, even if your life depended on its freedom. This sin - as I call it during those times of isolation and deep reflection - has taken the only thing that I have for me. My heart.

I've shared it with numerous people. I had my share of relationships and I can conclude that I think I have knowledge about what my heart is capable of doing. But this time it's all different. I always keep a huge amount of heart to myself whenever I am with someone. I don't give my 100% because I believe that it is better to leave something for me in case something happens. I only give about 40-50% of it. But now, this sin took the whole 100%, leaving me fragile and ready to break.

My friend told me that I'm quite intimidating. When I asked her why, she said she can't explain it to me in words perfectly... but there was something with the way I move, speak and act that makes me intimidating. Yes. I know that at times I'm really intimidating. I won't deny the fact that I don't intimidate people. I've even intimidated this sin. But what they can't see is that behind this facade, this mask of uncertainty, is a boy being controlled by something he can't control... and that the reason why he's wearing this mask is for him to guard and protect himself.

So exactly how did this sin managed to get through?

That's what I don't know. My heart has its own life. And I believe that it is its idea to be kidnapped by the sin. Now all of me is suffering.

But at least, classes are over.

Friday, February 18, 2005
The Friendster Thingie
A while ago, I was browsing through some of my friend's messages posted on the frinedster bulletin. Something caught my attention. It read: "do not support this movie"

So I was intrigued. I opened the link to that message to see what movie they were talking about. The thought that it might be the last movie that I saw entered my thoughts at first. I really hated the lead actress' performance. She should've studied how to lip sing better.

Moving on... when the page finally loaded, I read what was written. Apparently, it was about this film about Christ being gay. It's called Corpus Christi and before being turned into a movie, it was a play. So I did a little more research on this.
It the play, Jesus is protrayed by a man named Joshua, which is another version of Jesus' name. Joshua is born at a cheap motel and some more crap like that. The rest is based on the bible (such as the miracles, talking to God and other things) except for the fact that he gathered apostles and fucked with them.

Made me think why we shouldn't support this. Of course, we're Christians and being gay is said to be evil in the bible. But if that's the case, shouldn't we feel the same way about Dan Brown's book: "The Da Vinci Code"? The book almost brainwashed everyone who read it (me included). So howcome I didn't hear much about the Catholics and the Christians stopping the release of the book or its publishing? It became a best-seller and was loved by almost everybody who read it worldwide (me included). Some of you may say that it's because Dan Brown's masterpiece is a work of FICTION. And that everything that was supposed to be true in the book, is not true in real life. But don't you think that the play/movie that is being stopped is also a work of FICTION? It may be poorly written, it may be senseless or it may be incompetent, but still, it's a work of FICTION.
Yes, you may even say that the said movie is blasphemous, but isn't the book blasphemous as well? It contained chapters after chapters of fictional fabrication about Jesus' marriage to Mary Magdalene, for crying out loud. So what exactly is the difference?

I'm not saying that we should all let our artistic sides control us and write or do something against the Church and its doctrines. I am, after all, a Catholic and I won't let anybody or anything alter with my faith. But I think we should be more open about things. We should stop being such close-minded followers. Jesus wasn't close-minded. He understood everybody and forgave our sins. So why aren't we following his examples?

Seriously, homophobia's gotta go.

Monday, February 14, 2005
Valentine's Day
My valentine's was what I had anticipated it to be. Finally, I've succumbed to the normal way fo celebrating it- a dinner then a gift. Lord, what was I thinking?
But I can't deny or hide the fact that I enjoyed it. I mean, I was with someone I was in love with. That was what mattered the most. Well, I think...
Aside from this, I managed to make a conclusion out of everything that I had experienced today. I finally realized that people are good at something. I was with my Shadow a while ago at the mall, looking for a perfect gift... and he suggested something that actually worked. I guess the only problem Shadow has right now is his fashion sense.
I was running non-stop for almost how many hours today, and still, I have the strength to make this entry. Not to mention that it's currently 12 in the morning and I still have classes later by 7. This means I only have about 4 to 5 hours to sleep. What exactly am I doing to my body?
"Sleeping late and waking up early is not a good habit. Try to control your sleep. And you must never study the whole night. It's also a bad habit. Sleep, for Christ's sake!" said my cousin Chimi-Nursie when I was at their place a while ago for her sister's and mom's birthday. I know she's right. I must really sleep. But Russell Watson's keeping me awake. Not to mention the beer a had a while ago is also contributing to my nocturnality. Isn't beer supposed to make alter your brain and make you sleep?
Why the heck isn't it working?
Finally, valentines already passed without much disaster. The only bad thing that happened to me today was that the shower room at my school closed before I got there... thanks to my frined, Ferny, for letting me take a bath in his place for my date a while ago. I really should get an apartment or a pad near my school.
But aside from that, I actually observed something this day. Most people take their dates at Max's.
Not that I have anything against Max's. I actually enjoy the food there. But I don't think that's it actually a good idea to spend an intimate evening with someone you love at Max's. I could already imagine myself if I was there. I am having this intimate conversation with this person then suddenly, something catches my attention. It's the restaurant's infamous slogan: "The house that Fried Chicken built". I'm sure I'd burst out laughing.
And if I was with an idiot (which I hope won't happen), the most stupid question that person could ask me would be: "Who is Fried Chicken?" But I don't think there's nobody stupid enough to ask me that question... I hope.
So my advice to all the lovers out there, please don't take your dates or signifacnt other at just some place. You must take that person to THE PLACE. It may not be that expensive, but it shouldn't be really cheap and you should never make your date pay (unless it's the other person who proposed that the two of you should go out). Or better yet, do what my cousin, Sweet Tooth, did when she and her boyfriend was in high school. They split the bill or they pay for the thing they consumed. Not really that romantic, but it's practical enough. After all, they weren't earning yet back then.
But for now, while we wait for another year for another Valentine's day, I need to sleep.

Friday, December 31, 2004
Strawberry New Year
In about an hour and a half, 2004 will end. But before we start lighting up those fire crackers, I'll do my annual: "looking back at what happened this year" year-ender.

But I decided to give it a different approach.

Right now, I have with me the CD I compiled for my own pleasure. What I'l do is listen to the songs in the CD and tell you, the reader, who comes to my mind upon hearing the song. Of course, there may be some explanations here that would sound really stupid, but what the fuck... This is my blog, is it not?

Let the tracks begin...

1.) I don't love you anymore by Isha
- This happens to be my favorite song this year. So who else would I think of but me?? And why does this song affect me so much you may ask. Well, when you get the chance to listen to it, you'd be mistified with the piano intro and the voice of the singer. Include the message of the song and how the lyrics was written, this makes a superb song (for me, at least). Plus this song also helps me get over some of the stuff I found really hard to forget for the past few years. Truly, this song is my therapy.

2.) I'll be seeing you by Isha
-another one of Isha's songs. This is her endition of the hit classic sung by loads of people from the past. And who do I remember when I hear this song? I remember my mom. She spent the holidays away from us and it's finally starting to sink in that she's not here. I'm remembering last week, when I secretly read my sister's blog account and laughed at her statemets about missing my mom. Sure, I miss her too but why did my sister had to broadcast it to the world??
So to my mom, who I'm sure I'll be seeing in a few months' time, I give this song to you.

3.) Everytime by Britney Spears
-Bessee. Certainly the person I remember when I hear this song. This year had been really different for the both of us. Not to mention hard. Before the end of our final year at our high school, she had some troubles about her, uhmm, can I call it lovelife? She's the only person whom I know to love people unconditionally no matter what. She's the perfect example of a martyr when it comes to love. Although she denies to be what I think she is, we both know that she's definitely what I think she is.
So to my bessee, whom I don't know how to live without, I give this song to you.

4.) Ghost by The Indigo Girls
-I first heard this song back when I was still a junior at my high school. This was dedicated to me by Propesor,whom I consider to be my mentor up to this very day. We separated ways when he had to go the states and work there. But though we're not seeing each other and we're not having enough conversations, I still consider him to be one of the best and one of the people whom I'd trust. I'm so happy I met you Propesor, and we all miss you.
So to Propesor, who taught me many things about life and its complications, I give this song to you.

5.) Same Ground by Kitchie Nadal
-This song reminds me of Yayen. Yehp... Yayen. She's the little sister I never had. We met during 1st year high and since then, we managed to build this friendship based on whatever makes a friendship last. She left the country a few months back. Yet even though we're not together physically, I know that in a way, we'll still continue enriching the friendshi we have.
So to Yayen, who considered me to be her Kuya, I give this song to you.

6.) Simple Thing by Rayyn
-Aside from Bessee, I have another best friend. And this time, it's a guy. Let's call him Musiman. I don't think I'll never see anyone else handle all the things he handled for the past few years. This guy falls for the worng people easily. Not that the girls he likes are not good at all. They are actually great. But the thing is that they never saw what's inside Musiman ever. They regard him as their "big Brother" although he has lots to offer. I just hope he'll find the right one soon.
So to Musiman, who inspired me music-wise, I give this song to you.

7.) Everyday by Agot Isidro
-This is a song that I certainly give to my Princess. Just listen to the lyrics.
So to my Princess, who taugh me a lot of things, I give this song to you.

8.) Can't Cry Hard Enough by Bellefire
-The new rendition of the song would be for my ever beloved friend and coursemate, Cleonita. This year had shaken her so much (well, according to her mom) and I believe that she needs to sort things out. I'm not saying that she doesn't have the capacity to sort them earlier. I know this things take time and that's what you need. Time. Just always remember that I'm he beside you whenever you need me.
So to Cleonita, who cried over the Spanish bread, I give this song to you.

9.) Heart by Britney Spears
- I consider this song to be a sorry song by the heart-suicidal person to his or her tiny little beating organ. And that perso would definitely be Ferny, my blockmate. Even though Distance is his enemy, he's still hanging on. I actually admire his... uh... whatever it is he has. He knows how to hold on and he knows how not to be tempted.
So to Ferny, who decided to shave his mustache, I give this song to you.

10.) The Voice Within by Christina Aguilera (how did that get in the list?)
- This song is definitely for Treetops who is soooo secretive and soooo chaning the topic whenever it's about him. I hope that this year, you'd finally share something about you from your sensitive side. I hope you know that we're just here if you need us. And even if we only have shared 7 months together, I consider you one of my closest friends at UST.
So to Treetops, who denies that he's swaying, I give this song to you.

11.) Moon Shadow by Mandy Moore
- "I'm being followed by a moon shadow..." Listening to this song makes me all giddy and stuff (for some unknown reason) so because of that, I'm giving this song to Cace, my first ever girl bud now that I'm in college. She's the first ever person whom I treated pepsi and tried to mend our newly-born friendship. Well, I decided to give this song to her because I think it fits her in a metaphorical way. "Moon Shadow... moon SHADOW"... heheh.. hope she'll get it.
So to Cace, who is being followed by a Moon SHADOW, I give this song to you.

12.) He Brought me to you - Trumpets production of the Little Mermaid
-This song goes way back 4th year high. It was Musiman who taught me the song and it was Krayzee who sang the duet with me. But I think this song is really for my batchbook editor-in-chief, corps commander and good friend, Blue Star. Eversince I found out she has a boyfriend, she had been telling me all the cheesy details I'm not really sure if I'd like to hear. But after how many days and nights of working on the batchbook with her and whole Super Council, I think I got used to it. It's actually fun listening to all the things she says about her boyfriend... it makes you believe that there is still true Love today.
So to Blue Star, who is really in-love with her angel, I give this song to you.

13.) Time To Say Goodbye by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman
- The classic tunes of Andrea Bocelli soothes me and that's why I decided to include this song. But to whom should I give this song? Well, I think that I'dgive this song to a group instead of one person only. That group would be my high school batchmates. After how many years of being with you guys, I finally learn how to let go. Not of the memories we have, but of the physical boundaries that's been keeping us all apart. It doesn't matter if we're not seeing each other. What's important is that I know I'll hold on to every experience I had with you people.
Yeah... And I hope all of us go to hell.
So to my High School Batchmates, who will forever torment me in my dreams, I give this song to you.

14.) Demain by the original Les Miserables French Cast
- The song is in French, so there's a big possibility that you don't know what it means. So just to inform you, Demain means Tomorrow in english. It's actually the melody of this which drew me to it. And I guess this song's for my friend Nimbus, who had experienced quite a turmoil this year. No matter how much you're in trouble or confusion, always remember that I'm here to support you... though I'm not sure if I'm going to be nice about it.
So to Nimbus, who never fails to make me laugh, I give this song to you.

15.) Save the last dance for me by uhm.. not really sure
- Save the last dance for is your typical 1950's song. It has the guitars, a trio kind of voicing, and the lyrics. I think this song would be for my other best friend, Aurora, who had recently been depressed. You know you're going to pass. Just let everything fall into place and do your best to study. You're more special than you think. And even if we're not able to communicate recently, always remember that you're still my best friend and that no one could take you place.
So to Aurora, who will be seen in indie films soon, I give this song to you.

16.) My Immortal by Evanescence
- I can't think of another person for this song but Siopao. He's the ultimate Evanescence fan and he's the only one who told me the meaning of the songs. Thanks dude!
So to Siopao, who is probably tormenting someone else psychotically right now, I give this song to you.

17.) Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda by Beverly Knight
-Definitely for my cousin Foxy. I could still remember that night at our province when she cried oer this person who was really freaky. I know that you're over it, and this song is the best regret song ever. Harhar... But seriously, you deserve someone better. I hope you do find that someone soon.
So to Foxy, who still hasn't tasted Gonuts, I give this song to you.

So that's it. The year had been really bumpy, but I'm really happy that I managed to get through. I just hope I'll manage to get through. Good luck to all for next year and I wish everybody the best... well, not really everybody...

It's oly 15 minutes 'till the start of another year. Another year of pain, suffering, laughter, sadness, tears, happiness and crap.

And regarding this super-sensitive account, I decided to give up sensitivity and be more tough next year. If only I was like Brian Kinney.


Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Merry Christmas, bum
Now I know how it feels to be a bum.

I've been staying at home for the past few days, and there's virtually nothing for me to do. Why not go out, you may ask... well, the reason for me not going out would be that my funds are insufficient at the moment. That's why I'm planning to shop after Christmas, since I can't shop right now. It's so hard to if you can't buy everything you want to buy. I know... I know... I must also think about the other people who are less fortunate than me. Those who literally beg for food on the street. Those who ask for money in dark alley places everywhere in Manila and Quezon City. Those who are always affected by numerous outreach programs and medical missions and other forms of charity works. The people from and beyond the poverty line.

I'm not rich or anything but I can't help but feel really pissed off with these people at times, under special circumstances. And it would be wrong if we say that it's not their fault that they're like that. We've all heard success stories by those who once had nothing and then after some time, had virtually everything. These success stories tends to move people (and I really don't know why I'm not one of those 'people'). And that's just it. Why instead of looking for a job to support their families, fathers end up in 'from morning-till-dawn' drinking sessions with other fathers. Mothers end up gossiping with other mothers about someone that would not even affect their lives. And the children... oh my god... the children are just unfortunate. Instead of going to school, they beg for money on the street or do synthetic drugs like rugby and the like. No wonder the poor remains poor.

I think it's from a movie that I heard a line, delivered by this fat lady, about being poor. She said "Wherever rich country you may be, there will always be the poor." But I guess the poor people from our country is way different that the poor people from other countries. Even our poeple from or beyond the poverty line has certain traits and characteristics that would tell the world: "I'm a Filipino poor person" or something. Truly we Filipinos know how to leave a mark for the whole world to see.

I was at a shop just outside our campus a few weeks back with 2 of my blockmates - a guy and a girl. Let's call the guy Siopao and let's call the girl Princess. We were waiting for something when this kid shows up from nowhere and asks us for money. Estimating his age was easy. I would say he was about 6 or 7, wearing really dirty worn-out clothes which was big for his thin little body and a pair of mismatched slippers. Of course, we all know that girls are emotional. So princess was the first one to give the kid some change. Siopao too was really generous when it came to kids. So he gave the kid some coins. I was the only one who didn't know how to be generous enough when it comes to kids.

After a few minutes, the kid reappears, but this time, with an older kid who was twice as dirty as the first one. The younger kid asked us again for coins (which surprised me) and then, the older kid intervened. The older kid snatched the coins we just gave the younger kid a few minutes back and they started a battle of tug-of-war fort he coins. We told them to stop the commotion but all they did was continue doing it.

Another life-changing story about kids from the street was experienced by one of my blockmates when she was on her way to her dorm. Let's call her Gwen. Gwen was walking when this kid pulls her skirt. Of course she looked at the kid. She asked the kid what he wanted. The kid just stared at her and pointed this place. Gwen gave the "so-what-about-that-place" look. Then the kid told her that he wants her to feed him at where he was pointing his dirty little fingers.
After these events, I actually managed to make a theory. These kids, together with their parents and their people, are already rich. They're only squeezing out more money from the ones who are seemingly middle-class or rich so that there will come a time when they will be richer than the Chinese and Spanish businessmen in our country. I wonder how Greenbelt would look like if this happens. No more techno sounds to dance with, only those songs by April Boy and Salbakuta to listen to and use on the dance floor. No offense to the artists said, but all of us do know that its the masses who listen to them. So in general, my theory states that these people, the people who asks for money on the street, who dresses up really dirty and tries to emoionally blackmail you, are already rich from years and years of money begging. Plus all the charity works that had been conducted even before I was born helped these people one way or another.

Enlighten me... exactly what is wrong with our society? Didn't we used to be a well-off country before? But why are currently in the state where we are in right now. It seems that we're in this hole where no one could help us all out. Even our government is really messed-up. Our politics should be turned to a soap opera. The politicians would be the characters and the media would serve as the camera men. Just think of how they are going to call it. They could use "Malacanang" or "Ang pag-ibig sa bayang kupas". Really, we should do something about our country.

Yet I'm still wondering what would happen if nothing's fixed, and the reality show Survivor makes a show on one of our islands. We could house the new "survivor: Basilan"... now, that's something really worth watching.

But as for the moment, I'm a bum and I don't have sufficient funds and I live in this coutry. Merry Christmas to me.


I am complicated.
I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient.
You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. - Brian Kinney
What do we say about ourselves? Some of us would say good things and the others would do otherwise. We are complex and even if we write down everything we think about ourselves, any amount of paper and ink won't do. Explaining or describing yourself is hard. It's like solving problems but only this time, you actually know what the problem is, and its solution is something that would either shatter you or complete you.