Friday, December 31, 2004
Strawberry New Year
In about an hour and a half, 2004 will end. But before we start lighting up those fire crackers, I'll do my annual: "looking back at what happened this year" year-ender.

But I decided to give it a different approach.

Right now, I have with me the CD I compiled for my own pleasure. What I'l do is listen to the songs in the CD and tell you, the reader, who comes to my mind upon hearing the song. Of course, there may be some explanations here that would sound really stupid, but what the fuck... This is my blog, is it not?

Let the tracks begin...

1.) I don't love you anymore by Isha
- This happens to be my favorite song this year. So who else would I think of but me?? And why does this song affect me so much you may ask. Well, when you get the chance to listen to it, you'd be mistified with the piano intro and the voice of the singer. Include the message of the song and how the lyrics was written, this makes a superb song (for me, at least). Plus this song also helps me get over some of the stuff I found really hard to forget for the past few years. Truly, this song is my therapy.

2.) I'll be seeing you by Isha
-another one of Isha's songs. This is her endition of the hit classic sung by loads of people from the past. And who do I remember when I hear this song? I remember my mom. She spent the holidays away from us and it's finally starting to sink in that she's not here. I'm remembering last week, when I secretly read my sister's blog account and laughed at her statemets about missing my mom. Sure, I miss her too but why did my sister had to broadcast it to the world??
So to my mom, who I'm sure I'll be seeing in a few months' time, I give this song to you.

3.) Everytime by Britney Spears
-Bessee. Certainly the person I remember when I hear this song. This year had been really different for the both of us. Not to mention hard. Before the end of our final year at our high school, she had some troubles about her, uhmm, can I call it lovelife? She's the only person whom I know to love people unconditionally no matter what. She's the perfect example of a martyr when it comes to love. Although she denies to be what I think she is, we both know that she's definitely what I think she is.
So to my bessee, whom I don't know how to live without, I give this song to you.

4.) Ghost by The Indigo Girls
-I first heard this song back when I was still a junior at my high school. This was dedicated to me by Propesor,whom I consider to be my mentor up to this very day. We separated ways when he had to go the states and work there. But though we're not seeing each other and we're not having enough conversations, I still consider him to be one of the best and one of the people whom I'd trust. I'm so happy I met you Propesor, and we all miss you.
So to Propesor, who taught me many things about life and its complications, I give this song to you.

5.) Same Ground by Kitchie Nadal
-This song reminds me of Yayen. Yehp... Yayen. She's the little sister I never had. We met during 1st year high and since then, we managed to build this friendship based on whatever makes a friendship last. She left the country a few months back. Yet even though we're not together physically, I know that in a way, we'll still continue enriching the friendshi we have.
So to Yayen, who considered me to be her Kuya, I give this song to you.

6.) Simple Thing by Rayyn
-Aside from Bessee, I have another best friend. And this time, it's a guy. Let's call him Musiman. I don't think I'll never see anyone else handle all the things he handled for the past few years. This guy falls for the worng people easily. Not that the girls he likes are not good at all. They are actually great. But the thing is that they never saw what's inside Musiman ever. They regard him as their "big Brother" although he has lots to offer. I just hope he'll find the right one soon.
So to Musiman, who inspired me music-wise, I give this song to you.

7.) Everyday by Agot Isidro
-This is a song that I certainly give to my Princess. Just listen to the lyrics.
So to my Princess, who taugh me a lot of things, I give this song to you.

8.) Can't Cry Hard Enough by Bellefire
-The new rendition of the song would be for my ever beloved friend and coursemate, Cleonita. This year had shaken her so much (well, according to her mom) and I believe that she needs to sort things out. I'm not saying that she doesn't have the capacity to sort them earlier. I know this things take time and that's what you need. Time. Just always remember that I'm he beside you whenever you need me.
So to Cleonita, who cried over the Spanish bread, I give this song to you.

9.) Heart by Britney Spears
- I consider this song to be a sorry song by the heart-suicidal person to his or her tiny little beating organ. And that perso would definitely be Ferny, my blockmate. Even though Distance is his enemy, he's still hanging on. I actually admire his... uh... whatever it is he has. He knows how to hold on and he knows how not to be tempted.
So to Ferny, who decided to shave his mustache, I give this song to you.

10.) The Voice Within by Christina Aguilera (how did that get in the list?)
- This song is definitely for Treetops who is soooo secretive and soooo chaning the topic whenever it's about him. I hope that this year, you'd finally share something about you from your sensitive side. I hope you know that we're just here if you need us. And even if we only have shared 7 months together, I consider you one of my closest friends at UST.
So to Treetops, who denies that he's swaying, I give this song to you.

11.) Moon Shadow by Mandy Moore
- "I'm being followed by a moon shadow..." Listening to this song makes me all giddy and stuff (for some unknown reason) so because of that, I'm giving this song to Cace, my first ever girl bud now that I'm in college. She's the first ever person whom I treated pepsi and tried to mend our newly-born friendship. Well, I decided to give this song to her because I think it fits her in a metaphorical way. "Moon Shadow... moon SHADOW"... heheh.. hope she'll get it.
So to Cace, who is being followed by a Moon SHADOW, I give this song to you.

12.) He Brought me to you - Trumpets production of the Little Mermaid
-This song goes way back 4th year high. It was Musiman who taught me the song and it was Krayzee who sang the duet with me. But I think this song is really for my batchbook editor-in-chief, corps commander and good friend, Blue Star. Eversince I found out she has a boyfriend, she had been telling me all the cheesy details I'm not really sure if I'd like to hear. But after how many days and nights of working on the batchbook with her and whole Super Council, I think I got used to it. It's actually fun listening to all the things she says about her boyfriend... it makes you believe that there is still true Love today.
So to Blue Star, who is really in-love with her angel, I give this song to you.

13.) Time To Say Goodbye by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman
- The classic tunes of Andrea Bocelli soothes me and that's why I decided to include this song. But to whom should I give this song? Well, I think that I'dgive this song to a group instead of one person only. That group would be my high school batchmates. After how many years of being with you guys, I finally learn how to let go. Not of the memories we have, but of the physical boundaries that's been keeping us all apart. It doesn't matter if we're not seeing each other. What's important is that I know I'll hold on to every experience I had with you people.
Yeah... And I hope all of us go to hell.
So to my High School Batchmates, who will forever torment me in my dreams, I give this song to you.

14.) Demain by the original Les Miserables French Cast
- The song is in French, so there's a big possibility that you don't know what it means. So just to inform you, Demain means Tomorrow in english. It's actually the melody of this which drew me to it. And I guess this song's for my friend Nimbus, who had experienced quite a turmoil this year. No matter how much you're in trouble or confusion, always remember that I'm here to support you... though I'm not sure if I'm going to be nice about it.
So to Nimbus, who never fails to make me laugh, I give this song to you.

15.) Save the last dance for me by uhm.. not really sure
- Save the last dance for is your typical 1950's song. It has the guitars, a trio kind of voicing, and the lyrics. I think this song would be for my other best friend, Aurora, who had recently been depressed. You know you're going to pass. Just let everything fall into place and do your best to study. You're more special than you think. And even if we're not able to communicate recently, always remember that you're still my best friend and that no one could take you place.
So to Aurora, who will be seen in indie films soon, I give this song to you.

16.) My Immortal by Evanescence
- I can't think of another person for this song but Siopao. He's the ultimate Evanescence fan and he's the only one who told me the meaning of the songs. Thanks dude!
So to Siopao, who is probably tormenting someone else psychotically right now, I give this song to you.

17.) Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda by Beverly Knight
-Definitely for my cousin Foxy. I could still remember that night at our province when she cried oer this person who was really freaky. I know that you're over it, and this song is the best regret song ever. Harhar... But seriously, you deserve someone better. I hope you do find that someone soon.
So to Foxy, who still hasn't tasted Gonuts, I give this song to you.

So that's it. The year had been really bumpy, but I'm really happy that I managed to get through. I just hope I'll manage to get through. Good luck to all for next year and I wish everybody the best... well, not really everybody...

It's oly 15 minutes 'till the start of another year. Another year of pain, suffering, laughter, sadness, tears, happiness and crap.

And regarding this super-sensitive account, I decided to give up sensitivity and be more tough next year. If only I was like Brian Kinney.


Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Merry Christmas, bum
Now I know how it feels to be a bum.

I've been staying at home for the past few days, and there's virtually nothing for me to do. Why not go out, you may ask... well, the reason for me not going out would be that my funds are insufficient at the moment. That's why I'm planning to shop after Christmas, since I can't shop right now. It's so hard to if you can't buy everything you want to buy. I know... I know... I must also think about the other people who are less fortunate than me. Those who literally beg for food on the street. Those who ask for money in dark alley places everywhere in Manila and Quezon City. Those who are always affected by numerous outreach programs and medical missions and other forms of charity works. The people from and beyond the poverty line.

I'm not rich or anything but I can't help but feel really pissed off with these people at times, under special circumstances. And it would be wrong if we say that it's not their fault that they're like that. We've all heard success stories by those who once had nothing and then after some time, had virtually everything. These success stories tends to move people (and I really don't know why I'm not one of those 'people'). And that's just it. Why instead of looking for a job to support their families, fathers end up in 'from morning-till-dawn' drinking sessions with other fathers. Mothers end up gossiping with other mothers about someone that would not even affect their lives. And the children... oh my god... the children are just unfortunate. Instead of going to school, they beg for money on the street or do synthetic drugs like rugby and the like. No wonder the poor remains poor.

I think it's from a movie that I heard a line, delivered by this fat lady, about being poor. She said "Wherever rich country you may be, there will always be the poor." But I guess the poor people from our country is way different that the poor people from other countries. Even our poeple from or beyond the poverty line has certain traits and characteristics that would tell the world: "I'm a Filipino poor person" or something. Truly we Filipinos know how to leave a mark for the whole world to see.

I was at a shop just outside our campus a few weeks back with 2 of my blockmates - a guy and a girl. Let's call the guy Siopao and let's call the girl Princess. We were waiting for something when this kid shows up from nowhere and asks us for money. Estimating his age was easy. I would say he was about 6 or 7, wearing really dirty worn-out clothes which was big for his thin little body and a pair of mismatched slippers. Of course, we all know that girls are emotional. So princess was the first one to give the kid some change. Siopao too was really generous when it came to kids. So he gave the kid some coins. I was the only one who didn't know how to be generous enough when it comes to kids.

After a few minutes, the kid reappears, but this time, with an older kid who was twice as dirty as the first one. The younger kid asked us again for coins (which surprised me) and then, the older kid intervened. The older kid snatched the coins we just gave the younger kid a few minutes back and they started a battle of tug-of-war fort he coins. We told them to stop the commotion but all they did was continue doing it.

Another life-changing story about kids from the street was experienced by one of my blockmates when she was on her way to her dorm. Let's call her Gwen. Gwen was walking when this kid pulls her skirt. Of course she looked at the kid. She asked the kid what he wanted. The kid just stared at her and pointed this place. Gwen gave the "so-what-about-that-place" look. Then the kid told her that he wants her to feed him at where he was pointing his dirty little fingers.
After these events, I actually managed to make a theory. These kids, together with their parents and their people, are already rich. They're only squeezing out more money from the ones who are seemingly middle-class or rich so that there will come a time when they will be richer than the Chinese and Spanish businessmen in our country. I wonder how Greenbelt would look like if this happens. No more techno sounds to dance with, only those songs by April Boy and Salbakuta to listen to and use on the dance floor. No offense to the artists said, but all of us do know that its the masses who listen to them. So in general, my theory states that these people, the people who asks for money on the street, who dresses up really dirty and tries to emoionally blackmail you, are already rich from years and years of money begging. Plus all the charity works that had been conducted even before I was born helped these people one way or another.

Enlighten me... exactly what is wrong with our society? Didn't we used to be a well-off country before? But why are currently in the state where we are in right now. It seems that we're in this hole where no one could help us all out. Even our government is really messed-up. Our politics should be turned to a soap opera. The politicians would be the characters and the media would serve as the camera men. Just think of how they are going to call it. They could use "Malacanang" or "Ang pag-ibig sa bayang kupas". Really, we should do something about our country.

Yet I'm still wondering what would happen if nothing's fixed, and the reality show Survivor makes a show on one of our islands. We could house the new "survivor: Basilan"... now, that's something really worth watching.

But as for the moment, I'm a bum and I don't have sufficient funds and I live in this coutry. Merry Christmas to me.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Love: paradigms and theories
What is love?
According to a song, love is a many splendid things. That love lifts us up where we belong. And that Love makes the world go round. But what exactly is it?
This was our topic a while ago in class. The teacher gave us a reading about the ever-hazy idea of love. And after reading the four-paged article, never did I thought that there are so many meanings associated with one single word. There were questions given to us after the reading. The last being "What is your own Philosophy when it comes to love?" I was beggining to arrange my thoughts as not to stutter once again if ever I get the chance to answer. But someone else raised her hand to answer the query. Let's call her Anime. According to Anime: "Ang pag-ibibg ay parang apoy. Gusto mong lapitan pero natatakot kang mapaso." THe class started to laugh and clap at the same time. But the prof did agree with her. After the commotion, she asked us if any of us had naymore answers. Then, another friend of mine in our class raised her hand. Let's call her Hermione. According to Hermione: "Dalawang beses sinabi (sa article) na ang pag-ibig ay bulag at duling. Ngunit para sa akin, kung titignan ng mabuti, ang pag-ibig ay nakakakita ng malinaw. Ngunit dahil nga sa pagmamahal natin ay hindi natin pinanpansin ang mga kamalian o imperpeksyon ng ating minamahal." The class then clapped again.

Their answers stopped me from conitnuing my thought-organization moment. Was it really true that love is those descriptions said? I guess it actually depends on the person. So I continued making my own definition. Analyzing things, expecially when it comes to the four-lettered word : LOVE, is not a good idea. After all, you'll never know when you're going ot fall in or out of love, so why the hell should we bother to analyze it? But giving it my own meaning made it cleaer for me. My own definition explained why perceive love the way I do. I finally came up with the conclusion that for me, Love is complicated. It is honest yet it lies, it is giving but also selfish, it makes the heart beat yet it has the ability to make the beating stop anytime. Love is as complex as the thousands or millions of Organic Compounds found in nature. Thinking that we know everything when it comes to it is nothing but a fallacy. Love is like life. You'll never know what is its meaning unless you've experienced everything it has to offer. And given this, how would we be able to know how the heart works?

How does one know when it is love? What if it's just infatuation mistaken as love? or worse, what if it's actually just mere admiration? Or lust? Being clueless when it comes to these things actually makes everything more exciting. i suddenly remembered how the "kilig moments" during my high school worked - boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they trade numbers, they become textmates, they become really sweet then suddenly, out of the blue, they're together as a couple. But after all the illusions had been destroyed or shattered, after the often times short-lived infatuation, we never fail to return back to out old selves - looking for the thrill of infatuation or "love" as we call it. How can man, the most complex and intelligent among all of God's creations, not comprehend this?
I guess the answer is never to be known as long as we are alive. Only the endpoint of our mortal lives - which is death - could deliver the answer. And we're not even sure if the answer would be given to us then. We don't know what lies ahead after our lives here on earth.

In the end, only three things matter:
How deeply you loved
How fully you lived
And how gracious you let go of the things that was not meant for you
-Gautama Buddha

Now that we doubt.

Since the sembreak is almost over and the start of another semester is in the air, I can't help but wish that I could travel back in time so that I could enjoy the sem break again. Though I know that doing so would mean that I won't be seeing my friends two days from now. Hehehe... but who cares? The sembreak had been productive for me. For three weeks, there was never a single day that i stayed home. I always had to do something outside like go to the gym, or have my driving lessons, or meet my friends from high school.

So going to the gym everyday is what I expected it to be - tiring. Tiring not it the physical sense. I got used to the momentary agony the different slimming machines gave me. Tiring in the snes that I had to go there everyday (except on Sundays since they're closed) and a package of seeing the same people every morning came along with that. Though I might say that some people in my gym are interesting. There's this guy who confuses me with his... err... and this girl who realy wishes to lose weight but seems to be doing nothing about it and of course, the gay guys are there as always. I suddenly remembered what Will said in an episode of will and grace. He said that the gym was the gay church. Hehehhe.. how true. I'm not homophobic or something. I actually find it nice that there are even more people who are more vain than me. But all of them asked me the same two questions. "Where do you study?" then the follow-up question "Where do you live?" What is it with my school and address??

Having driving lessons is something unexplainable. I felt nervous and really scared at first but after driving, I felt really good. But the unfun part of it was whenever the instructor makes me panicky and stuff. And he never fails to do that when we're on highways, intersections and roads where the car seems not able to fit. But i understand him completely. He was old and unhappy (hehehehehe...). Am i being mean again? Don't worry mister instructor, sir. I'll never forget the things you taught me. Never...
Meeting your friends from high school is one of the "highlights" of the sembreak (well, That's what my friend cC tod me). I met-up with my high school barkada twice this break. We really didn't catch up or something like that. We manage to go out once in a while so there was no long story-telling moments left for us to cherish during those two meetings. But once we gather together, I can't help but feel I'm being left out. All of them seem to be really happy with their course an with their grades. Was that it? Was my mother's will once again making me suffer? Sigh... But I do like my course now. I guess I just have to love it.

Last week, when i was on my way home from a friend's house, I dropped by the video shop to see if they have simething good. Turns out they did. Cris Pablo's film, Duda(doubt), was displayed beside the VCD of the libido-filled male group Viva Hotmen (is that their name?) Anyway, back to Duda, so i grabbed a copy, immediately paid for it and went straight home. I didn't have dinner that evening. I opepned my laptop and watched the film. God.. it was so good. That moment was the first time that I fell in-love with a movie. I'm not after the male to male sex. The story captivated my heart and the ending was just superb. Makes me think : Can all of us have the same, happy ending? Though of course, the film is just one case wherein your chances of having a happy ending could be stopped. But still, can we have what the male lead, Cris, had? Maybe some of us could, maybe some of us are born to suffer a life of loneliness. Maybe all of us are living in this illusion where we believe we could find the one we are meant to be with or believe that the person we are together with right now is the right one for us. Maybe this life is just a dream. Just a dream...

The Diary
Last night, I was cleaning my desk when something red fell on the floor. I looked at it and realized what it was - my diary from 3rd year high school!!

Well, ok. It wasn't really my diary-diary for i don;t keep one anymore (I used to but people in my house reads it...). It was a project that we needed to do. For 8 months, we're supposed to make some entries for that diary. Plus, the teacher told us that if we need to write something about what we truly feel, we could put it there. She won't tell anybody about our crappy little teenage secrets. So i did confide some of the most deep secrets i had back then. Reading it was like going ver your life when you finally reach the gates of heaven. When St. Peter, with the great human directory on his podium, asks you what have you done during your time here on earth, the things i wrote on my diray would've been some of the things that i would easily remember. It's funny how we, as teenagers, tend to think that we know almost everything and that our life is complicated even though it's not. That's how i perceived my life back then. I thought i was misunderstood, that i was unloved and that i was a loser - even though my parents are there to support me with allt he things i want, even if i did share my high school life with quite a few number of people, and even if I had many friends who were there to support me. I laughed while i read my diary. I was so pathetic.

Yet even if I think that all the things i wrote there are crap, I still know that all of them were meant to be written. No matter how shallow or deep they may be, I wrote them as a guide for me for the future. I did make some mistakes back then. And the diary served as a warning for me never to commit the same mistakes again. Never to trust other people too much, never expect other people to help you with everything, never over-do things, and never take other people for granted... Bad karma does happen.


I am complicated.
I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient.
You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. - Brian Kinney
What do we say about ourselves? Some of us would say good things and the others would do otherwise. We are complex and even if we write down everything we think about ourselves, any amount of paper and ink won't do. Explaining or describing yourself is hard. It's like solving problems but only this time, you actually know what the problem is, and its solution is something that would either shatter you or complete you.