Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Now the toxicity's gone.
Finally, after weeks and months of suffering and endless papers, I've managed to finish my first year in college with flying colors (well, i think the only colors i got were gray and balck). Now, as I type this entry, I'm still not sure if I have the college idealism out of my system.

So what exactly is this college idealism??

For months, I've been continuously exposed to different quizes, exams and post lab tests that made sure that I would finish my first year either: A.) Really Wasted or B.) Insane. But thanks to my friends and to my family, I managed to keep my sanity with me. College idealism taught me that I should always study, because even if I don't study, my classmates and friends will be there to push me. I really hate the days when I want to take a break from it all, and all of my friends, regardless of where we are, would bring out their books and read or talk about the quizes or exams. How I hate those days.

But of course, I am still thankful for their constant pushing and motivation (if you can call it motivation). Without them, I couldn't have survived ten whole months of masochism.

But after these ten months, I'm now facing something more difficult to deal with. It's about letting a feeling go. A feeling that I've kept inside for months, and a feeling that only I know. I decided that it's for the best, but when something has a power over you, like this feeling, it's not that easy to do, even if your life depended on its freedom. This sin - as I call it during those times of isolation and deep reflection - has taken the only thing that I have for me. My heart.

I've shared it with numerous people. I had my share of relationships and I can conclude that I think I have knowledge about what my heart is capable of doing. But this time it's all different. I always keep a huge amount of heart to myself whenever I am with someone. I don't give my 100% because I believe that it is better to leave something for me in case something happens. I only give about 40-50% of it. But now, this sin took the whole 100%, leaving me fragile and ready to break.

My friend told me that I'm quite intimidating. When I asked her why, she said she can't explain it to me in words perfectly... but there was something with the way I move, speak and act that makes me intimidating. Yes. I know that at times I'm really intimidating. I won't deny the fact that I don't intimidate people. I've even intimidated this sin. But what they can't see is that behind this facade, this mask of uncertainty, is a boy being controlled by something he can't control... and that the reason why he's wearing this mask is for him to guard and protect himself.

So exactly how did this sin managed to get through?

That's what I don't know. My heart has its own life. And I believe that it is its idea to be kidnapped by the sin. Now all of me is suffering.

But at least, classes are over.


I am complicated.
I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient.
You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. - Brian Kinney
What do we say about ourselves? Some of us would say good things and the others would do otherwise. We are complex and even if we write down everything we think about ourselves, any amount of paper and ink won't do. Explaining or describing yourself is hard. It's like solving problems but only this time, you actually know what the problem is, and its solution is something that would either shatter you or complete you.