Sunday, May 01, 2005
Guards Up
When we get hurt, we often resort to things that we don't really want to do, but we end up doing just to protect ourselves.

A while ago, I was chatting with one of my close friends when she told me that she thinks she's being really stupid with the relationship she has right now. When I asked her why, she said it's because she's thinking of too much stuff and now, her boyfriend is actually starting to get irritated with her "What if" questions. I can't tell her to back off, 'cause I know what she's going through. The both of us had been through the same experiences before college. I told her I know what she's feeling and she should not consider herself stupid.

I was hurt once. Being with someone else is really rewarding, but the thing with me is that I really get bored easily. I tend to look for something or someone new whenever I feel that I've spent much time on this person or thing already. And believe it or not, I actually hate this trait that I have. But still, I'm living with it. Though now I think this trait is starting to be inactive.

The first time I really cried and wept for somebody, one thing is evident. I didn't get tired of that person no matter how long we had been together. I now consider that as the perfect example of me, in love. I don't get bored with the person and I usually long to be with her.

After breaking up (and crying for how many weeks), I decided to raise my guards up and try to avoid any emotional contact or whatsoever with anyone except for family. I've done it for 2 years, and these two years I had been a bully, a mean guy plus narcissistc, heartless and ego-centric. There's even a point in time when I didn't trust anyone except for myself. It was all me. And I did manipulate some of the past lovers that I had. I make them think that I actually feel something for them when in reality, I was just messing up. I'm not blaming what happened to me on love. I actually like the changes that I've gone through. I think that somehow, it made me independent and cunning.

Since my friend and I had gone through the same situations, I told her what she's feeling is just normal. I told her to give it some time before she starts talking about this to her boyfriend. She told me she'd take my advice. I just hope they don't break up.

As for me, I decided to still have my guards up. You'll never know what will happen to you when you give something everything that you have.

I just hope things will be like this...


I am complicated.
I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient.
You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. - Brian Kinney
What do we say about ourselves? Some of us would say good things and the others would do otherwise. We are complex and even if we write down everything we think about ourselves, any amount of paper and ink won't do. Explaining or describing yourself is hard. It's like solving problems but only this time, you actually know what the problem is, and its solution is something that would either shatter you or complete you.